Piss Warm Chango

Hello Old Friend

2011-01-23T12:24:00.002-06:00

I really should update this thing. September 2, 2009? It's been a while.

I've got the time, let's see if I can find the motiviation.

New App Test blog

2009-09-02T10:11:00.001-05:00

Testees. Testees. One. Two. Three?

Volvo Cash for Clunkers Engine Disabling

2009-08-01T13:11:00.001-05:00

So let me get this straight, my tax dollars are going to pay people to destroy their clunkers (cars)? This 2000 Volvo S80 T6 is a clunker? Really?

In what world does this make sense?

Your Daily Dose of Cyanide 8/1/09

2009-08-01T11:27:00.002-05:00

Find more HERE. I laughed at this. I hope you do to (actually, I don't care)

I Think I've Finally Seen It All

2009-08-01T11:14:00.003-05:00

Seriously.....what the fuck is going on here?

Unusual Paintings of Obama naked with unicorns

Yes, I would say this is work safe....but you still may not want to click the link. I'm not kidding. (well shit, I'm at work on a Saturday, so it's not like was being super productive). My entire morning is thrown off because of it.

It will warp your fragile little mind. You've been warned.

Oh, and reading the link, I found this gem: These paintings by Dan Lacey, also known as The Painter of Pancakes, shows his portrayal of the president of the United States in a series of unique paintings. Lacey’s artworks can also be ordered as posters at Dan Lacey’s blog.

No shit? I can get these in a poster? Holy shit, I feel a gag gift coming on for somebody.

I'm particular to the one with the unicorn rubbing Obama's back. There's another one with Hugh Laurie and Stalin (yes, THAT Stalin) that really blows my mind.

The Health Care Reform Bill

2009-07-21T13:43:00.005-05:00

I hate to turn my blog into anything political, but people need to check out the Economic Policy Journal

They've posted exccerts from the Health Care Bill the Govt is trying to pass before their recess in August.

Also, Peter Fleckstein (aka Fleckman) is reading it and has been posting on Twitter his findings. This is from his postings (Note: All comments are Fleckman's)

Here's the full Health Care bill that sits in the House.

How about I post a few "choice" line items from Fleckman's posts:

PG 427 Lines 15-24 Govt mandates program 4 orders 4 end of life. The Govt has a say in how ur life ends

Pg 59 HC Bill lines 21-24 Govt will have direct access 2 ur banks accts 4 elect. funds transfer

PG 50 Section 152 in HC bill - HC will be provided 2 ALL non US citizens, illegal or otherwise

Pg 170 Lines 1-3 HC Bill Any NONRESIDENT Alien is exempt from indiv. taxes. (Americans will pay)

Pg 241 Line 6-8 HC Bill - Doctors, doesnt matter what specialty u have, you'll all be paid the same

Pg 298 Lines 9-11 Drs, treat a patient during initial admiss that results in a readmiss-Govt will penalize u.

Pg 195 HC Bill -officers & employees of HC Admin (GOVT) will have access 2 ALL Americans finan/pers recs

Pg 317 L 13-20 OMG!! PROHIBITION on ownership/investment. Govt tells Drs. what/how much they can own.

Pg 317-318 lines 21-25,1-3 PROHIBITION on expansion- Govt is mandating hospitals cannot expand

Regardless of your party affiliation, does any of this sound like a good idea?

Obama doesn't pitch

2009-07-15T09:45:00.004-05:00

I guess that mean's he's a catcher.

Aye-O!

Here is Fox's broadcast of the first pitch thrown by the President at the All-Star Game last night.

What the...? What a odd camera angle. I couldn't see where it landed. Strike? Ball?

Here's where it actually landed.

I don't know which is worse (yes, I actually do) the fact that he couldn't get it there, or the fact that Fox, during the broadcast of the game, didn't show where the ball landed.

Transformers 2 F.A.Q.s!

2009-06-29T13:05:00.008-05:00

I wouldn't read this post unless you've already seen the movie. Some spoilers here.

You've been warned.

If you don't care to see the movie, you should still also read this. It's a good laugh.

Shamelessly stolen from Topless Robot.
*************************************************************************** It dawned on me at about 4am last night when I was finishing my review that 2500 words might not be enough to fully describe the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen experience. Additionally, I really didn't get much into the plot, as I was so busy explaining why it was a fundamentally shitty movie. So I took a little time to interview myself about the movie's story in order to help you understand what RotF is all about. Hope it helps!

Are there honestly 46 new Transformers in the movie? I have no fucking clue. It's impossible to tell most of them apart except for Optimus and the Racist Twins (there's another yellow Autobot who I constantly thought was Bumblebee). There could be 46, or there could be 12. I honestly would believe 12 if someone had said that.

What is the status of the Transformers at the beginning of the film? The Autobots have joined the military to hunt down the Decepticons. We're told the Decepticons are "doing things," but they appear to be hiding peacefully when the Autobots show up and brutally murder them.

What? Yeah. The Decepticons aren't apparently doing anything, then the Autobots show up, the Decepticons run for their goddamn lives, and the Autobots hunt them down and brutally murder them. It's kind of weird.

Why is the U.S. military helping them? Supposedly to help keep the Transformers a secret from the public. Although since the climax of the last film was a massive firefight involving 50-foot robots and took place over five miles of downtown Los Angeles and the beginning of this film wrecks several miles of Shanghai, China, they seem to be incredibly shitty at their job.

How does the U.S. military help them? Well, not at all, actually. They just kind of come along with guns and stuff, and act like they're going to help, but the Autobots do all the work.

Why is the U.S. military in this movie at all, then? Because Michael Bay has a huge erection for jets and tanks and aircraft carriers and considers giant robots only a necessary evil for the film. At least 15 full minutes of the film's 150-minute run time is nothing but footage of jets and tanks and planes without any robots or actual action whatsoever.

How is Sam Witwicky dragged back into the fight? Well, he finds a fragment of the Allspark shard. You know, the Allspark that he spent all last movie being told he shouldn't give to Megatron, but when he gave it to Megatron, it killed Megatron. That one. Anyways, the shard makes the Beef see symbols and act like more of an spaz than usual.

So the Decepticons want the shard? Why? Uh... to bring Megatron back to life?

What? That's what they said.

But the Allspark killed Megatron in the first movie. Yes. ...

and now it can also bring him back to life. It's very powerful, this Allspark.

Uh-huh. So what's their plan to get it? They send a small R/C car who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino to get it.

Shouldn't they have sent Starscream or somebody? Look, there's another Allspark shard and get that one anyways, so it doesn't matter.

Well, then why do they give a shit about Sam? The symbols. In his head. That the shard of the Allspark gave him.

They weren't in the other shard? Apparently not.

So how do the Decepticons plan to get the symbols, I guess? Well, the Decepticons have very cunningly created a hot chick robot who they enrolled in the same college and put in the same astronomy class as Sam. And they made her a huge slut.

Wait. Waiting.

There's a slutty Decepticon? Yeah, she's a real ho. The Decepticons apparently have an incredibly powerful slut-making program, because she has it down, man. Anyways--

Didn't Sam touch the shard and get the symbols stuck in his head on his first day of college? Yes. So the Decepticons made a slutty robot to attend his college and enrolled her in classes and put her in on-campus housing just in case Sam ended up being important at some point in the future? Apparently. It was an elaborate plan, but it sure paid off.

How so? Well, not at all. The slut-bot made out with him for a little bit then immediately tried to kill him, neither for any apparent motive or gain.

It sounds preposterous. Doesn't matter, because the Decepticons use the shard piece they do have to resurrect Megatron! He's back! Ooo! Scary!

Why is this scary? All he wanted was the Allspark, and now it's gone. ...because he has a boss! He's called the Fallen, because he's so evil! He has an evil plan to use a machine on Earth to blow up the sun and make energon! Or something! It's not very clear.

Now you're just making shit up as you go along, aren't you? Best not to think too much about it. Anyways, the symbols in the Beef's head are a map to where this machine exists, so the hunt is on and Sam shortly is captured by other, less slutty Decepticons in one of the many instances where Bumblebee inexplicably abandons the Beef so he can conveniently be in trouble. Then a robot called the Doctor who speaks gibberish with a German accent shoves things up Shia's nose and gets the symbols.

That's that, then, right? The Decepticons win? No! Because Optimus Prime saves Sam before they cut off his head, which has another treasure inside!

Really? What is that? No one really bothers to explain this, actually. Suffice to say, the Decepticons continue to want Sam. Oh, then Optimus Prime fights three Decepticons at once and dies.

Where the hell were the other Autobots during this fight? I don't know. They were with him before the fight, but then they disappear and show up right after he dies. But they appear sad about Optimus dying. Marginally. I mean, they don't get any screen time or dialogue to convey any feelings or anything, but there's some sad music playing for a little bit afterwards. I assume this means the robots that are off-screen are grieving.

Well, if one shard brought Megatron back to life, can't Sam just use his shard piece to resurrect Optimus? Yes. He could. ... ...

Well? He doesn't.

Why not? I'm not sure exactly.

Then what the hell does he do? He decides get those symbols that were in his head translated to figure out what the Fallen's up to.

Which Autobot does the translating? Err... none of them. Actually, it's John Turturro.

What. The fuck. Yeah, since he was laid off from his super-secret government agent job, he now works in a NY deli and runs a super-popular Transformers conspiracy theory website. Like ya do.

And why couldn't an Autobot translate these symbols? Because Bumblebee is mute and the Racist Twins are poor black robots from the slums of Cybertron who never learned how to read. It's a sad commentary on Cybertronian society. Like The Wire, actually.

Where the hell are the other Autobots? I don't know. Away. They seem to be unable to be reached. They're probably grieving about Optimnus still. Clearly, John Turturro is the reasonable solution here.

So Turturro translates the symbols. No, that would be silly. He does, in an incredibly bizarre series of connect-the-dots, lead them to Jetfire, an elderly and deceased Transformers whose corpse is hanging out in the Air & Space Museum.

What good is he dead?! Ah! Remember the shard? Sam uses it to bring Jetfire back to life!

Not Optimus? No! This way, Sam can get the symbols translated... so he can, er... find the ancient machine... that can, uh... possibly bring Optimus back to life.

You have to fucking be kidding me. Moving on! Jetfire teleports everyone to Egypt, including some of the missing Autobots --

Wait, what? Teleports? Yes, teleports.

Transformers don't teleport. Jetfire does.

But -- wait a second, he's a fucking jet. He could fly everybody to Egypt, right? And that would make perfect sense for both the character and the franchise! Well, I guess so. But he chooses not to. The point is Jetfire teleports them all to Egypt where he explains that there used to be 7 or 8 Primes, and they traveled around the galaxy blowing up suns for energon. But they never did it on planets with life. Well, they had set the machine up on Earth and not noticed all the life running around, and one of the Primes just said fuck it, let's do it anyways. This was evil, so they called that Prime the Fallen and beat the shit out of him although he escaped.

Okay... So that other mysterious reason that the Decepticons wanted Sam's brain? It's because it contains some very vague clues about the Matrix of Leacdership, which is the device that turns on the sun-exploding machine. The Fallen needs the Matrix to blow up the sun and get his Energon.

Hold on. That's what the Matrix of Leadership does in the movie? Yes. Works the sun-exploding machine.

I'm fuzzy on how "Leadership" covers that. I didn't name it. But it does sound a little nicer than "Matrix of Blowing Up the Goddamn Sun." If I may continue, in order to protect the Earth, the 6-7 other Prime hid the Matrix on Earth and made a tomb with their own bodies. Isn't that cool? ... ...

No. No it is not. If they wanted to protect Earth, why did they leave the Matrix on the planet? They're a space-faring race, they could have hid it anywhere in galaxy! Second of all, what the fuck does making a tomb of their own bodies do? Shouldn't they have stayed alive to protect the Matrix? Or finish off the Fallen? Or just not die and leave Earth and the entire Transformer race in jeopardy? Uh... And why hide the Matrix at all? Don't they need Energon to survive? Didn't they say they go to other lifeless planets? These idiot Primes just doomed their whole species for no fucking reason whatsoever! No wonder the Decepticons are so pissed. ...ahem. Eventually, Sam and crew find the Matrix, which instantly crumbles into dust. Sam puts the dust in a sock because he thinks it will bring Optimus back to life.

Grr. What follows is the most spectacular part of the movie, as Sam and Mikaela try to run the several miles back to the military camp during a massive Decepticon attack where the military has dropped Optimus Prime's corpse.

Why is that awesome? They could drive back in one of the Autobots and be there in a minute or two. They don't do that.

What? They walk.

Of course they do. And I assume the Autobots just mysteriously disappear again until a second before a Decepticon is about to kill Sam. Yes. Exactly.

I am already incredibly sick of this movie, and I'm just typing questions about it. Sam resurrects Optimus, Optimus kills the Fallen, end of story, right? Pretty close. Sam dies, though.

Really? Yeah, for a little while. But then the Transformers in heaven send him back because he still has work to do.

Fuck you. I'm serious.

Fuck you. There's no way. It's true. The 6-7 Primes are there in the clouds like Mufasa's head in The Lion King, and tell Sam he's awesome and he needs to live again so he can bring Optimus back to life.

I may be ill. Then Jetfire appears out of nowhere and rips out his own heart right in front of Optimus to give him his elderly old robot powers. This makes Optimus into a flying badass who defeats the Megatron and Starscream and the Fallen in a little less than two minutes. After the last 30 minutes of the movie have been nothing but explosions -- not all of which have any obvious causes -- it's a bit disappointing.

Anything else you want to add? Well, only that although Sam jams the Matrix of Leadership into Optimus Prime's chest to resurrect him, a Decepticon takes it out like 10 seconds later and Optimus is fine. Just a little weird, is all.

Can you give me any reason I would want to see this film in theaters? I can't answer every question, man.

BONUS ROUND! So it's not as bad as shitting your pants? Marginally. I honestly had to make a pro and con list to figure it out.

Why on earth would anyone make a film about giant robots but have myriad scenes of some random douchebag's first day of college? I don't have the faintest clue.

Could there have been more trite, less inspired song for Bumblebee to play when Sam says he's going to college than The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited"? No. No there couldn't.

Why can't Bumblebee talk, but the other Autobots can? Because Bumblebee is retarded, but in a Sling Blade kind of a way. This explains how he kills the living fuck out of a Decepticon later.

Why does Sam's mom buy and consume a pot brownie? Well, Sam's mom was in a coma for the last 30+ years, which explains how she had never heard of marijuana, and why she didn't understand the consequences of eating it even after her husband specifically told her it was a pot brownie (Sam was unfortunately conceived and born during this period). A better question is why any college student in America would be selling pot brownies at an on-campus bake sale, let alone to a middle-aged woman.

A lot was made of how Shia the Beef's hand injury was written into the film. How was this done? Well, sometimes Shia had a huge bandage on his hand, and sometimes he didn't.

That doesn't sound "written in" at all. Well, no actual words are used to explain it. It might be more accurate to say it "shows up sometimes."

Why would a robot need to fart, pee, or vomit? And why would it need testicles? Michael Bay does not understand what a robot is.

What is the point of the character of Sam's college roommate, and why the fuck does he stay for the entirety of the movie? I have no clue. He's not comedy relief, because that's covered by 90% of the Transformers themselves. He technically leads the Beef to John Turturro, but surely there could have been another way to do that. Besides, Turturro just leads them to Jetfire anyways. It's all extraneous.

Why can only a Prime kill the Fallen? Why can Jetfire teleport? Why can the Fallen wave a staff and make shit fly around? Why do actual cars and Autobots get sucked into Devastator's maw, but John Turturro and that other kid can run around? Because... because FUCK YOU, that's why.

Can you explain Megan Fox's appeal? Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her.

If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay's utter disdain for story and continuity, what would it be? When five Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks five "subjects" going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "six" subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than one page apart in the script. And yet Michael Bay either didn't care to notice or didn't give a fuck. "Math? Math is for pussies. My movies are about shit blowing up, man."

Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue? "I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."

The New Inglorious Bastards Trailer

2009-06-23T08:35:00.002-05:00

....cause all I seem to do lately is post videos. Might as well keep it going. Maybe I'll be able to squeeze an actual blog post out one of these days.

Killin' Nassi's

I'm sooooo fucking there. August can't get here soon enough.

The Pacific Trailer [HQ]

2009-06-22T23:51:00.001-05:00

The follow up to The Band of Brothers.

Looks fantastic. Another thing to look forward to in 2010.

Yea, it's March 2010. Plenty of time to rewatch Band of Brothers.

World’s Greatest Dad

2009-06-19T13:42:00.002-05:00

A Robin Williams movie worth watching? This looks promising.

Oh, and check out who wrote and directed the movie.

I'm there.

...and I bet you thought this was a Father's Day Post. HA! Sucker.
(Although my dad is a Robin Williams fan, so there's a bit of...irony? I think means something.

The Onion Strikes Again

2009-06-10T13:57:00.002-05:00

Linkage

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them
BY KIMBERLY PRUITT
JUNE 9, 2009 | ISSUE 45•24

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever.

*********************************************************************************
Genius.

F You AT&T

2009-06-08T14:12:00.000-05:00

Why do you make it soo hard for me to give you money?

As a valued AT&T customer, AT&T can offer you an early iPhone upgrade with a new 2-yr commitment and an $18 upgrade fee. You may qualify for a standard iPhone upgrade on 12/18/2009.
$299.00* — 8GB iPhone 3G (black)
$399.00* — 16GB iPhone 3G S (black or white)
$499.00* — 32GB iPhone 3G S (black or white)

$200 premium? Are you fucking kidding me? You can get bent with those prices.

If I'm not eligible for a regular upgrade 'till December, I might as well wait the 5 more months for the next version.

Spending Money I Don't Have, On Shit I Don't Need.

2009-06-05T08:15:00.011-05:00

Thanks E3. Here's what I'm anxious for. I heard you only need 1 kidney to function normally, is that right?

The Beatles Rockband

Splinter Cell Conviction (360)

Super Mario Brothers (Wii)

Halo 3: ODST (360)

Assassin's Creed

Zelda: Spirit Tracks (NDS)

Modern Warfare 2

Forza 3

Crackdown 2

Alan Wake (360)

Left 4 Dead 2

Mass Effect 2 (360)

God of War 3 (PS3)

Uncharted 2 (PS3)

The Last Guardian (PS3)

Mario Galaxy 2 (Wii)

Metroid: Other M (Wii)

Castlevania: Lord of Shadows
No embed available....click the link.

..and that doesn't include Batman Arcane Asylum, inFamous, Ghostbusters, NCAA Football 10, Tiger Woods 10, which were previously shown.

Or stuff from my backlog that I need to get too, like Street Fighter 4, Halo Wars, Killzone 2, Punch-Out or Resident Evil 5.

Texts From Last Night

2009-05-15T14:12:00.003-05:00

Another genius site that is in the same vain as Secret Tweet, Imsobadatsex, and Fmylife

Texts From Last Night

Hilarious stuff.

After reading this site, I've realized 2 things.

1) My life isn't cool enough

2) I need to find a way to implement some of my ideas and make them a reality.

3)

4) Profit.

I hope this site gets you through the end of the day. It's helped me.

This is the most inappropriate thing for mother’s day EVER

2009-05-13T16:50:00.001-05:00

Stop the press. SNL was funny again.

The "sequel" to Dick in a Box. I liked it.

Here you go. Saved you 90 minutes.

I Think Somebody Ate Kelly Clarkson

2009-05-13T14:43:00.002-05:00

Holy shnikes.

I'd add a comparison picture of when she was skinny and hot...but that's actually harder to do than I thought. Oh well.

Because Twitter is down...

2009-05-13T14:38:00.002-05:00

and I have no where else to post this.

Also, LOST is 2 hours tonight!

I thought it was funny.

F the rest of you.

Perhaps the Greatest Video Evar

2009-05-04T15:11:00.004-05:00

I have no idea what's going on here, and I've watched it 5 times in the last five minutes.

Megan fox esquire magazinephotoshoot june 2009
by meganfoxer

Sound on/off, it doesn't matter. Although the song "Climbing Up The Walls" by Chris Cornell is kinda catchy.

Swine Flu Patient Zero

2009-05-01T00:05:00.001-05:00

27K39.jpg (JPEG Image, 640x480 pixels)

Get's me every time.

A New Mike Judge Movie

2009-04-09T13:16:00.001-05:00

Holy shit. Didn't see this one coming. A new Mike Judge Movie, "Extract".

I'm excited. I don't care about you.

I Wish This Was a Real Audio Book

2009-04-06T11:30:00.002-05:00

Uhhh...definetly NSFW.

Found it!

2009-04-03T11:00:00.004-05:00

Thank you to the worker at Gillihan Paint & Body, for finding it, holding on to it, and returning it back to it's owner. It would of been pretty easy to take it, sell it or do whatever, but he did the right thing. There are still good people out there.

And a kick in the junk goes to The Rooster, for apparently not checking his car thoroughly enough.

The Price is Wrong....Bitch

2009-03-17T19:49:00.000-05:00

Wanna bet?

Turtle Rapes Shoe

2009-03-13T19:49:00.002-05:00

Horny little bastard. He sounds like a dogie squeak toy.

Another Childhood Classic Makes It Home

2009-03-12T18:43:00.004-05:00

It came in the mail today. I'm super pumped.

Now, if the Gods that determine which movies get put on DVD would release RAD, along with the M.A.S.K. cartoons, I may finally be complete.

Garbage Pail Kids - Check
Soul Man - Check

3 Things that Freaked Me Out As a Kid

2009-03-10T11:01:00.007-05:00

1. Elephants on Parade - When the mouse and Dumbo get drunk and then the weird shit happens. As a kid, that shit fucks you up.

2. The part in Pinocchio where they're in Pleasure Island and all the boys are being turned into donkeys.

That was scary...and a bit fucked up for a children's cartoon.

3. In an episode of G.I. Joe (the cartoon) called “There’s No Place Like Springfield", Shipwreck is in a simulated future (of course fabricated by Cobra) where everybody around him melts and his family tries to kill him. The oddest episode I've ever seen and arguably the most fucked up. IT really had more of an impact than I thought at the time.

Here's a small clip of the episode. I wish I could find the whole thing. Add it to my "To Be Torrented" list.

It wasn't until my AutoCAD class in college, where I happened to overehear some guys behind me talk about the episode, that finally reminded me of this episode and put all the pieces of it together (name of the character, what's the plot of the episode, etc)

By the way, this episode makes the list of at this blog, The 10 Most Insane, Child-Warping Moments of ’80s Cartoons

This is Why You're Fat

2009-03-05T16:48:00.003-06:00

...and not I'm not talking about your mom.

This is perhaps the greatest "Food Porn" site I've seen. Some of these are amazing. I'm hungry but also disgusted. I also think I gained 5 pounds just by clicking on the link.

You've been warned.

THIS IS WHY YOU'RE FAT....where dreams become heart attacks.

This reminds me of the pictures of the State Fair food we have taken before. That also reminds me, that I never finished that blog post. Sucks for you.

How to Save $360

2009-03-04T09:09:00.003-06:00

Maybe the best application to come out of the iTunes App Store. Last night, the Kindle App for the iPhone (and I guess the iPod touch) comes out.

Link to Engadget

Hell yes. This is huge.

At the least, this could hold me over 'till Apple comes out with an ebook reader, cause you know they will.

Testing to see if I know how to link to iTunes...

Click Here

Terminator Salvation

2009-03-02T22:16:00.002-06:00

This is a kick ass trailer for the new Terminator. I know you're skeptical, but watch it anyway.

Even if the movie sucks, that trailer kicks much ass. I really need to listen to more NIN.

May 21...hell yes.

Adventurland

2009-02-26T14:58:00.003-06:00

The follow up to Superbad. It's the redband trailer...so you know, naughty words...and all that.

Sold.

It doesn't appear that Judd Apatow is attached in anyway, but will still see how many of his "crew" shows up.

Let me go on, as I blister in the sun....

Highlights from Aggie Game

2009-02-25T09:15:00.004-06:00

From frustrating to amazing.

Monster dunk from our Freshman.

Cookie (the Nebraska player) gets posterized.

And the game clincher.

The misssed layup by Sloan almost made me pull my hair out in frustration.

But then it was oh, so sweet. I believe they're calling it "The Shucker".

My New Addictions

2009-02-24T22:17:00.011-06:00

For the past few days, I've been reading 2 sites any chance I get.

Secret Tweet

SecretTweet was created to allow Twitter users to share secrets anonymously.

...and holy shit some of these are a doozie. Examples:

If I have an abortion, I'll never know which of my married lovers had an unsuccessful vasectomy.
I am in love with my (male) best friend. He thinks I'm a lesbian. In truth, so did I, until I met him.
My wife wanted to be a swinger, so I let her have sex with my best friend, but when I finally get a chance, she wants it to be over...

F*** My Life - "My life sucks but I don't give a fuck"

These "confessions" are more along the line of embarrassing stories from your life.
Examples:

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML

Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I'm allergic to lube. FML
Today, I looked on my sister's phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: "Let's go camping again, I bought more condoms so we won't make a big mess this time." Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML

Today, me and my girlfriend were watching some show about sex on the discovery channel. The topic of female orgasms came up and she said, "Wow, I wonder what that's like?" We've been dating and sexually active for three years. FML

Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML

There good for a laugh...and they make your life seem less lame. Not my life though, I'm awesome.

The Greatest Thing Ever...

2009-02-24T22:09:00.004-06:00

according to WWTDD:

Photoshopped? Who the hell cares...

Thank You WWTDD

Inglourious Basterds

2009-02-11T15:03:00.004-06:00

Hell.Fucking.Yes.

August 21 can't come soon enough.

Jay-Z + Radiohead

2009-01-19T22:49:00.004-06:00

Brings you Jaydiohead by Minty Fresh Beats

Go to the site, download it. It's free. It's a mash up (yea, I thought we were done with the Jay's Black album mashups), but this is just as good as Dangermouse Grey Album.

McGangBang?!!?

2009-01-14T21:22:00.003-06:00

Check this out.

This is a tasty sandwich combination from McDonald's. Off the Dollar Menu you order one double cheeseburger and one Spicy McChicken sandwich. Spit the double cheeseburger between the two patties, and then put the entire Spicy McChicken sandwich inside the double cheeseburger. This originated from Daytona Beach McDonald's Restaurants.

Link from Urban Dictionary

There seems to be some discrepancy between the description and the pictures, namely the buns inside the buns, but when you're dealing with this much awesomeness, that's just semantics.

Fucking Awesome. I'm in.

Completed Games Of 2008

2009-01-03T22:31:00.004-06:00

* 2-10-08 Ratchet and Clank Future: Tools of Destruction (PS3)
* 2-16-08 Resistance: Fall of Man (PS3)
* 3-02-08 Uncharted: Drakes Fortune (PS3)
* 3-07-08 God of War: Chains of Olympus (PSP) on Normal
* 6-08-08 Gears of War on Insane Co-Op (360)
* 9-21-08 Star Wars The Force Unleased (360) on Sith Warrior
* 11-1-08 Fable 2 (360)
* 11-15-08 Gears of War 2 (360) on Hardcore
* 12-11-08 Battlefield Bad Company (360) on normal.
* 12-23-08 Civilization Revolution (360) on Economic Victory with Americans on Default
* 12-24-08 Civilization Revolution (360) on Domination Victory with Americans on Default
* 12-24-08 Civilization Revolution (360) on Cultural Victory with Americans on Default
* 12-24-08 Civilization Revolution (360) on Technology Victory with Americans on Default

Things to note: Didn't finish even 1 season of NCAA Football this year. That's a first. Makes me wonder if I should just wait 'till a price drop on NCAA 10. I never finished GTA4 either, even though I think I was pretty close. I'll get on that before I get to The Lost & Damned. I saw the credits each time I played Civ Rev, so I counted it, each time.

Best Mug Shots of 2008

2008-12-20T15:06:00.004-06:00

This is #2, and I think it should be #1, but I can't really argue with their choice.

The Smoking Gun

It really is worth flipping through them to see the rest. You'll laugh.

40 of the Best Photos of 2008

2008-12-20T14:56:00.004-06:00

Ah yes, end of the year lists. Guess it's about this time. Anyways, how official or rep Boston.com carries, but there are some pretty neat pictures in this list.

Here's #1.

# 40

Here's a link to the rest. Some pretty great stuff.

Boston.com

Shuttle Takeoff Pictures

2008-12-11T15:27:00.008-06:00

(Not an actual launch)

A continuation from yesterday, as the shuttle continued it's trip back to Florida.

Star Telegram's Article - Endeavour soars from Fort Worth runway

I'll mess with the order later

Pictures of the Space Shuttle

2008-12-10T16:09:00.009-06:00

The Space Shuttle (riding on the back of a custom 747) made a pit stop here in Fort Worth today on it's way back to Kennedy Space Center. I was lucky enough to see it land and take a few pictures.

Enjoy!

Pretty cool that you can look outside your office window and see the freaking space shuttle.

By the way, those are the only pictures I'm "allowed to have" that don't have other planes in them. But that's between you and me...

Star Telegram's Story

Stars Game

2008-12-10T11:02:00.009-06:00

Monster seats from "Tickets Now" the 2nd hand site from Ticketmaster.

Row G.... 7 rows up from the glass, right by the face off spot.

Here are some shitty pics from the iPhone, also known as the 3rd fucking time I forgot my good camera. Why did I even buy the damn thing?

Closeup of a face off. Great seats.

Zamboni....as fun to type as it is to say.

Hot fan in front of us. She's a Avs fan. I'm ok with that.

This was the game winning save.

Can't remember if the Stars scored or not.

The Ice Girls. If you look closely, the ice is melting. If you look closer, by brother's got his camera phone out too. We missed getting a picture of the hot brunette.

Shootout

Roosters on Ice...

Another shot of the faceoff.

Who is that sexy guy?

Here's the last know picture of me and my Aggie Ring. MIA 12/6/2008

Snuck into the locker room to sneak a pic. at&t was kind enough to sponsor it.

Another SNL Digital Short

2008-12-08T17:11:00.001-06:00

Here's another SNL Digital Short that's pretty funny. "Jizz in my Pants".

Does anybody actually watch the show anymore. I don't. If anything funny happens, it gets posted to the interwebs almost immediately.

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Joe's Bad Day - Man Gets Bit by Deer and Dog - 911 Call

2008-12-06T13:22:00.001-06:00

This helped cheer me up, since I'm at work today. Warning! Language is NSFW!

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF CASH MCMOGULSON

2008-12-01T14:52:00.002-06:00

Whooops. Looks like missed a chapter (err...forgot to link to it) on the Cash McMogulson Story. My Bad. Seems it was posted over a year ago. Seems in the mean time, he's gone from Katherine Harper's MySpace page to his own MySpace page. Haven't had a new story since Oct. 07.
************************************************************************************
LIFE AND TIMES OF CASH MCMOGULSON
Chapter 6
"Cash's Rules of Engagement – Part 2"
Cash McMogulson III here. Yeah, I know, I know it's been a few months. Why?! Well, not that it's any of your fucking business, but summer puts me in a bad mood because it's the end of blazer season. For all you losers not in real estate wearing corporate logo golf shirts and cheap ass suits to work, official blazer season is October to June. Sometimes September, when it's not so goddamn hot! Just so you know.
I'm not saying I don't look good in other stuff, because I do. I mean wait til you see the pictures of my brother's party. Do you know how rich you have to be to look good in seersucker? And no, I don't think seersucker is just for gay guys and four year olds. Fuck you! By the way, if my arm looks weird, it's because I had to make Mom cut out the DNF with fat arms that was next to me in the picture. Wanna know who it was?
ASHLEY ST. STANDARD. Yep. I didn't think it could happen, at least not to someone I went out with, but she's about to lose kitten status. I saw her at Banks' engagement party and I'd say she's put on at least 3 pounds if not 4. I'd rather sell one-bedroom houses with Banks than be in a picture with a fat girl -- even my ex-girlfriend! Speaking of that idiot, Banks still wants to get married. Yeah, I'm serious. That asshole makes more bad decisions than a cougar on Cuervo. After what happened at the party, I thought the wedding would be off for sure! But, I'm getting ahead of myself – here's the whole story…
So when my dad yelled at me and threatened to sell the Range Rover if I didn't show, I got pissed and called up Parkerton and Davis and told them to meet me at the Loon. I actually haven't seen Jefferson in a while. My dad doesn't like me doing deals with him since he slept with dad's girlfriend.
The party started at 7, and it was only 5, so we decided we'd have a few Loon drinks and talk about what hot chicks were going to be there. Potential ass is the only reason why guys go to parties anyway. Yeah, I know your boyfriend told you he "wanted to go" with you to that shower. But what he really meant was, he "wanted to go see if there were any chicks hotter than you." There probably were.
Unfortunately for us, this Mary Elizabeth Rich girl my brother is engaged to is NOT hot. And neither are most of her friends. First of all, her boobs are real. Secondly, her fucking thighs are as big as my deals. I bet she only works out 5 times a week. Her mom's big too – like 130!!! and you know that's a bad sign. And, get this, she wants to KEEP WORKING when they get married. I can't even talk about it. Mom's upset too. How's she supposed to get a fat girl with a job into the right clubs??
So we'd had a few, maybe six Loon drinks and I say to Turner, "I can't believe my brothers engaged. And to a fat girl. I mean McMogulsons do two things, they close deals and take down hot cougars. What the hell is he thinking?" And Turner is like, "Cash, dude, what the fuck is your problem tonight! She's not fat, she's not even big!"
Now, no one talks to me that way, unless it's my dad or the lawyer guy who manages my trust fund. So I look at Turner and I'm like, what the fuck do you know about big? I mean we've all seen the deals you've been working on lately. And those aren't big, and then there's your Range Rover……………oh wait…………SPORT!!! NOT big either!"
Then he grabbed my seersucker jacket collar and put like three wrinkles in it. I even had to refold my pocket square. That asshole. So all of a sudden, Jefferson, who never says anything anyway looks at his watch and he is like, "Um, Cash, I'd shut up about the Sport if I were you, cause' it's 8:30 – and if we don't get to that party your dad's gonna sell your car and cut you off."
Well, I was pretty drunk – but losing the Rover wasn't an option. So we closed out and headed to my parents house. I was hoping most of Mary's DNP and DNF friends would be gone by the time we got there so I didn't have to talk to them. But somehow, there were still tons of cars in the driveway – or maybe it just looked like that cause I was seeing two of everything. Not that that's always a bad thing – I mean it's double the cougs if you're in the right place!
So we walk in and there are a bunch of flowers and girl shit everywhere and I'm like where the hell is everyone. Then we head into the dining room and I guess when Banks said dinner, I didn't realize he meant fucking sitting-down-in-the-dining room-dinner! I thought he meant like girl party dinner with some salads and shit. AND to make matters worse, my seat was right between Banks and Ashley!!!
So I haven't even sat down for five seconds, and mom gets up and starts taking a bunch of pictures of me and Ashley. Like I said, she freaking loves Ashley 'cause they were in the same sorority. And I didn't even want to be in ONE picture with her, especially with the way she's been looking. So I hear Ashley say, "where is my toast?" and she's looking around and I was just trying to help her out, so I said, "Ash, seriously, I don't think you need toast right now I mean maybe you should try the low carb thing. My mom hasn't had any bread in 15 years and she's a smokin hot cougar!" Evidently that wasn't what she was talking about because she starts crying and runs to the bathroom.
Remember when I said it got a LOT worse from there?
Then Banks starts yelling at me and says, "She meant SPEECH you idiot, not fucking bread!" Like I was supposed to know. And I don't really remember much after that but according to Turner I said, "Look Banks, just because YOU are ok being with someone who's got a huge ass, doesn't mean that I have to be! It's like how you're ok with selling houses and driving a 2 year old car…"
I guess Mary took that wrong, because she started crying and told Banks she couldn't ever be married someone who was biologically related to me. Girls always get upset over nothing!!! So for now, it looks like the weddings off. As soon as Banks starts talking to me again, he's going to thank my ass! I'll let you know what happens – but since no one in my family is calling me back right now, I'm taking Jefferson and Turner to the lakehouse! It's our last big party of the summer – and we are going to blow it out. 5 days until blazer season, so all you cougars and kittens out there, get ready.
CMIII

Is This Me?

2008-11-20T11:39:00.004-06:00

It's the new Avatars that Xbox makes you create when they released their new system update yesterday.

What do you think? The choices are a little limited right now. I may need to make my skin darker, but I think I'm pretty close. My hair is not quite that long, but it's the closest I could get.

Also, please excuse the queer pose, as that's the only pose those things have.

Selling stuff on Ebay...

2008-11-20T11:23:00.004-06:00

Exciting Stuff.

Here's a LINK to my first item I'm trying to sell on Ebay. 120 GB Hard Drive for the 360.

Started it last night at $.99 (not sure that was a good move as it was the default) and it's moving up pretty quickly.

Editors Note: Ended up selling for $145.50. Not too bad. Now I'm waiting for his "e-check" to clear before I send it.

Started my next auction...same item, soon after it ended. Going good soo far. Had some pretty dumb questions though. If I say I only ship to the US on the auction, why do you email me asking if I will ship to Brazil? I may do it, but outrageously overcharge him, just on principle. The "buy it now" price is pretty prominent on there, why do you email me asking how much it is? Bah....must be new to Ebay.

Xbox 360 on the Fritz

2008-11-15T20:02:00.002-06:00

Again. At least I got to finish Gears 2, which was excellent by the way.

Fuck you Microsoft for making a shitty system.

The Badger Song

2008-11-14T15:13:00.001-06:00

So far, this is the greatest thing I've seen all week, and that's even with me playing Gears of War 2 most of the week.

Tell me what you think of this video.

By the way, if you hear me randomly blurt out, "Mushroom! Mushroom!", you know where it came from.

You've been warned.

I Slapped It a Couple of Times....

2008-11-10T14:36:00.006-06:00

like I had to tell it twice, and it came back to life.

Thanks to this blog post and the comments that followed it. I was on the verge of opening up the iPod and tinkering with it and seeing if I could buy a new 1.8" hard drive when I read about the slap method. I took a shot as it's already out of warranty and BOOM, POW, SURPRISE! it's working.

Fucking Awesome.

Let's see how long this lasts....

...Apparently not long. I can navigate the menus, but it won't play anything. Reset Time.

And it works....for now. Let's see what happens when I take it home and sync it.

Rocknrolla

2008-11-08T19:16:00.005-06:00

You need to see this if you liked Lock Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels and Snatch. It's another good British Crime Thriller. It's also pretty freaking funny.

Also, from the movie, comes this song, Rock and Roll Queen from The Subways. It's featured pretty prominently in the movie, and in the trailers (which oddly enough, I haven't seen in a while). Anyways, here's the video I found on Youtube. I'm off to go look for the entire album. Not sure if I go with the movie soundtrack, or their album.

After a little research, it turns out I have this song already. Twice in fact, once from The O.C. Mix 5 and the other one is from an Ultimate fan made O.C. mix. Ooops. I still may have to get their albums anyway.

A funny...

2008-11-07T16:16:00.000-06:00

This made me laugh. Have a good weekend!

Thought this was Funny

2008-11-05T09:04:00.006-06:00

...and appropriate for today. Laugh now (or not, it's not that great)....cause you may not be able to later.

Edit: Sonuvabitch! You can't see the full picture in IE6 (it's a work computer and they won't let me update it cause of instability with some other programs) and Chrome (yea, I have this one for browsing so I don't have to update IE..get it?) without clicking on it. So click on it.

You Dumb Bitch

2008-11-05T09:01:00.002-06:00

Rejected Yankee Stadium Memories

2008-11-02T14:03:00.003-06:00

Part 1 (This one's good)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Part 2 (I laughed....)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Part 3 (This one's the worst....just letting you know)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Part 4 (Pretty good...)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Part 5 (eh...it's ok)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Thriller (Long Vers.)

2008-10-28T16:32:00.002-05:00

Looks like MTV has started up a new site where you can see every video they've ever had. Guess this is the only way we'll get music from MTV. Take what we can get. I've been using YouTube for this, but these seem to be of higher quality and you don't have to sort through the bullshit fan made stuff.

Let's watch Thriller....cause it's the shit.

Michael Jackson |MTV Music

"He made Thriller Yo, Thriller."

Gears of War 2

2008-10-27T12:13:00.001-05:00

So if you're gonna buy a video game, and they offer a free gift if you preorder, then it makes sense to go ahead and put your 5 bucks down right?

I'm sure this will be a piece of shit, but what the hell. I'll play with it for about a day before it breaks.

30 Rock Season 3!

2008-10-23T15:41:00.005-05:00

Watch it now on Hulu. I know I did. Work be damned.

Then watch it again next week.

Tracy: "Sales of my video game are through the rizz-noof!"
Jenna: "So, how far through the rizz-noof are they?"
Dot Com: "Whoa, that's not slang. He actually has a speech impediment."

Tracy: "No, I think I did do it alone. And this check: is the priz-noof."
Dot Com: "Now that was just him being obnoxious."

The Dark Knight Meets Superman

2008-10-23T15:39:00.003-05:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I thought this was pretty funny, being a Dark Knight fan.

Can't wait to get Dark Knight on Blu Ray. Guess the bootleg will have to hold me over. May be time for another viewing.

Probably the Grossest Thing I've Ever Read...

2008-10-22T11:14:00.005-05:00

...and yet I couldn't stop. It's a short story called Guts by Chuck Palahniuk

Printed in Playboy magazine
March 2004

Inhale.

Take in as much air as you can.

This story should last about as long as you can hold your breath, and then just a little bit longer. So listen as fast as you can.

A friend of mine, when he was thirteen years old he heard about "pegging." This is when a guy gets banged up the butt with a dildo. Stimulate the prostate gland hard enough, and the rumor is you can have explosive hands-free orgasms. At that age, this friend's a little sex maniac. He's always jonesing for a better way to get his rocks off. He goes out to buy a carrot and some petroleum jelly. To conduct a little private research. Then he pictures how it's going to look at the supermarket checkstand, the lonely carrot and petroleum jelly rolling down the conveyer belt toward the grocery store cashier. All the shoppers waiting in line, watching. Everyone seeing the big evening he has planned.

So, my friend, he buys milk and eggs and sugar and a carrot, all the ingredients for a carrot cake. And Vaseline.

Like he's going home to stick a carrot cake up his butt.

At home, he whittles the carrot into a blunt tool. He slathers it with grease and grinds his ass down on it. Then, nothing. No orgasm. Nothing happens except it hurts.

Then, this kid, his mom yells it's suppertime. She says to come down, right now.

He works the carrot out and stashes the slippery, filthy thing in the dirty clothes under his bed.

After dinner, he goes to find the carrot and it's gone. All his dirty clothes, while he ate dinner, his mom grabbed them all to do laundry. No way could she not find the carrot, carefully shaped with a paring knife from her kitchen, still shiny with lube and stinky.

This friend of mine, he waits months under a black cloud, waiting for his folks to confront him. And they never do. Ever. Even now he's grown up, that invisible carrot hangs over every Christmas dinner, every birthday party. Every Easter egg hunt with his kids, his parents' grandkids, that ghost carrot is hovering over all of them.

That something too awful to name.

People in France have a phrase: "Spirit of the Stairway." In French: Esprit de l'escalier. It means that moment when you find the answer, but it's too late. Say you're at a party and someone insults you. You have to say something. So under pressure, with everybody watching, you say something lame. But the moment you leave the party…

As you start down the stairway, then -- magic. You come up with the perfect thing you should've said. The perfect crippling put-down.

That's the Spirit of the Stairway.

The trouble is even the French don't have a phrase for the stupid things you actually do say under pressure. Those stupid, desperate things you actually think or do.

Some deeds are too low to even get a name. Too low to even get talked about.

Looking back, kid-psych experts, school counselors now say that most of the last peak in teen suicide was kids trying to choke while they beat off. Their folks would find them, a towel twisted around the kid's neck, the towel tied to the rod in their bedroom closet, the kid dead. Dead sperm everywhere. Of course the folks cleaned up. They put some pants on their kid. They made it look… better. Intentional at least. The regular kind of sad, teen suicide.

Another friend of mine, a kid from school, his older brother in the Navy said how guys in the Middle East jack off different than we do here. This brother was stationed in some camel country where the public market sells what could be fancy letter openers. Each fancy tool is just a thin rod of polished brass or silver, maybe as long as your hand, with a big tip at one end, either a big metal ball or the kind of fancy carved handle you'd see on a sword. This Navy brother says how Arab guys get their dick hard and then insert this metal rod inside the whole length of their boner. They jack off with the rod inside, and it makes getting off so much better. More intense.

It's this big brother who travels around the world, sending back French phrases. Russian phrases. Helpful jack-off tips.

After this, the little brother, one day he doesn't show up at school. That night, he calls to ask if I'll pick up his homework for the next couple weeks. Because he's in the hospital.

He's got to share a room with old people getting their guts worked on. He says how they all have to share the same television. All he's got for privacy is a curtain. His folks don't come and visit. On the phone, he says how right now his folks could just kill his big brother in the Navy.

On the phone, the kid says how -- the day before -- he was just a little stoned. At home in his bedroom, he was flopped on the bed. He was lighting a candle and flipping through some old porno magazines, getting ready to beat off. This is after he's heard from his Navy brother. That helpful hint about how Arabs beat off. The kid looks around for something that might do the job. A ball-point pen's too big. A pencil's too big and rough. But dripped down the side of the candle, there's a thin, smooth ridge of wax that just might work. With just the tip of one finger, this kid snaps the long ridge of wax off the candle. He rolls it smooth between the palms of his hands. Long and smooth and thin.

Stoned and horny, he slips it down inside, deeper and deeper into the piss slit of his boner. With a good hank of the wax still poking out the top, he gets to work.

Even now, he says those Arab guys are pretty damn smart. They've totally re-invented jacking off. Flat on his back in bed, things are getting so good, this kid can't keep track of the wax. He's one good squeeze from shooting his wad when the wax isn't sticking out anymore.

The thin wax rod, it's slipped inside. All the way inside. So deep inside he can't even feel the lump of it inside his piss tube.

From downstairs, his mom shouts it's suppertime. She says to come down, right now. This wax kid and the carrot kid are different people, but we all live pretty much the same life.

It's after dinner when the kid's guts start to hurt. It's wax so he figured it would just melt inside him and he'd pee it out. Now his back hurts. His kidneys. He can't stand straight.

This kid talking on the phone from his hospital bed, in the background you can hear bells ding, people screaming. Game shows.

The X-rays show the truth, something long and thin, bent double inside his bladder. This long, thin V inside him, it's collecting all the minerals in his piss. It's getting bigger and more rough, coated with crystals of calcium, it's bumping around, ripping up the soft lining of his bladder, blocking his piss from getting out. His kidneys are backed up. What little that leaks out his dick is red with blood.

This kid and his folks, his whole family, them looking at the black X-ray with the doctor and the nurses standing there, the big V of wax glowing white for everybody to see, he has to tell the truth. The way Arabs get off. What his big brother wrote him from the Navy.

On the phone, right now, he starts to cry.

They paid for the bladder operation with his college fund. One stupid mistake, and now he'll never be a lawyer.

Sticking stuff inside yourself. Sticking yourself inside stuff. A candle in your dick or your head in a noose, we knew it was going to be big trouble.

What got me in trouble, I called it Pearl Diving. This meant whacking off underwater, sitting on the bottom at the deep end of my parents' swimming pool. With one deep breath, I'd kick my way to the bottom and slip off my swim trucks. I'd sit down there for two, three, four minutes.

Just from jacking off, I had huge lung capacity. If I had the house to myself, I'd do this all afternoon. After I'd finally pump out my stuff, my sperm, it would hang there in big, fat, milky gobs.

After that was more diving, to catch it all. To collect it and wipe each handful in a towel. That's why it was called Pearl Diving. Even with chlorine, there was my sister to worry about. Or, Christ almighty, my Mom.

That used to be my worst fear in the world: my teenage virgin sister, thinking she's just getting fat, then giving birth to a two-headed retard baby. Both heads looking just like me. Me, the father AND the uncle.

In the end, it's never what you worry about that gets you.

The best part of Pearl Diving was the inlet port for the swimming pool filter and the circulation pump. The best part was getting naked and sitting on it.

As the French would say: Who doesn't like getting their butt sucked?

Still, one minute you're just a kid getting off, and the next minute you'll never be a lawyer.

One minute, I'm settling on the pool bottom, and the sky is wavy, light blue through eight feet of water above my head. The world is silent except for the heartbeat in my ears. My yellow-striped swim trunks are looped around my neck for safe keeping, just in case a friend, a neighbor, anybody shows up to ask why I skipped football practice. The steady suck of the pool inlet hole is lapping at me and I'm grinding my skinny white ass around on that feeling.

One minute, I've got enough air, and my dick's in my hand. My folks are gone at their work and my sister's got ballet. Nobody's supposed to be home for hours.

My hand brings me right to getting off, and I stop. I swim up to catch another big breath. I dive down and settle on the bottom.

I do this again and again.

This must be why girls want to sit on your face. The suction is like taking a dump that never ends. My dick hard and getting my butt eaten out, I do not need air. My heartbeat in my ears, I stay under until bright stars of light start worming around in my eyes. My legs straight out, the back of each knee rubbed raw against the concrete bottom. My toes are turning blue, my toes and fingers wrinkled from being so long in the water.

And then I let it happen. The big white gobs start spouting. The pearls.

It's then I need some air. But when I go to kick off against the bottom, I can't. I can't get my feet under me. My ass is stuck.

Emergency paramedics will tell you that every year about 150 people get stuck this way, sucked by a circulation pump. Get your long hair caught, or your ass, and you're going to drown. Every year, tons of people do. Most of them in Florida.

People just don't talk about it. Not even French people talk about EVERYTHING.

Getting one knee up, getting one foot tucked under me, I get to half standing when I feel the tug against my butt. Getting my other foot under me, I kick off against the bottom. I'm kicking free, not touching the concrete, but not getting to the air, either.

Still kicking water, thrashing with both arms, I'm maybe halfway to the surface but not going higher. The heartbeat inside my head getting loud and fast.

The bright sparks of light crossing and criss-crossing my eyes, I turn and look back… but it doesn't make sense. This thick rope, some kind of snake, blue-white and braided with veins has come up out of the pool drain and it's holding onto my butt. Some of the veins are leaking blood, red blood that looks black underwater and drifts away from little rips in the pale skin of the snake. The blood trails away, disappearing in the water, and inside the snake's thin, blue-white skin you can see lumps of some half-digested meal.

That's the only way this makes sense. Some horrible sea monster, a sea serpent, something that's never seen the light of day, it's been hiding in the dark bottom of the pool drain, waiting to eat me.

So… I kick at it, at the slippery, rubbery knotted skin and veins of it, and more of it seems to pull out of the pool drain. It's maybe as long as my leg now, but still holding tight around my butthole. With another kick, I'm an inch closer to getting another breath. Still feeling the snake tug at my ass, I'm an inch closer to my escape.

Knotted inside the snake, you can see corn and peanuts. You can see a long bright-orange ball. It's the kind of horse-pill vitamin my Dad makes me take, to help put on weight. To get a football scholarship. With extra iron and omega-three fatty acids.

It's seeing that vitamin pill that saves my life.

It's not a snake. It's my large intestine, my colon pulled out of me. What doctors call, prolapsed. It's my guts sucked into the drain.

Paramedics will tell you a swimming pool pump pulls 80 gallons of water every minute. That's about 400 pounds of pressure. The big problem is we're all connected together inside. Your ass is just the far end of your mouth. If I let go, the pump keeps working - unraveling my insides -- until it's got my tongue. Imagine taking a 400-pound shit, and you can see how this might turn you inside out.

What I can tell you is your guts don't feel much pain. Not the way your skin feels pain. The stuff you're digesting, doctor's call it fecal matter. Higher up is chyme, pockets of a thin runny mess studded with corn and peanuts and round green peas.

That's all this soup of blood and corn, shit and sperm and peanuts floating around me. Even with my guts unraveling out my ass, me holding onto what's left, even then my first want is to somehow get my swimsuit back on.

God forbid my folks see my dick.

My one hand holding a fist around my ass, my other hand snags my yellow-striped swim trunks and pulls them from around my neck. Still, getting into them is impossible.

You want to feel your intestines, go buy a pack of those lamb-skin condoms. Take one out and unroll it. Pack it with peanut butter. Smear it with petroleum jelly and hold it under water. Then, try to tear it. Try to pull it in half. It's too tough and rubbery. It's so slimy you can't hold on.

A lamb-skin condom, that's just plain old intestine.

You can see what I'm up against.

You let go for a second, and you're gutted.

You swim for the surface, for a breath, and you're gutted.

You don't swim, and you drown.

It's a choice between being dead right now or a minute from right now.

What my folks will find after work is a big naked fetus, curled in on itself. Floating in the cloudy water of their backyard pool. Tethered to the bottom by a thick rope of veins and twisted guts. The opposite of a kid hanging himself to death while he jacks off. This is the baby they brought home from the hospital thirteen years ago. Here's the kid they hoped would snag a football scholarship and get an MBA. Who'd care for them in their old age. Here's all their hopes and dreams. Floating here, naked and dead. All around him, big milky pearls of wasted sperm.

Either that or my folks will find me wrapped in a bloody towel, collapsed halfway from the pool to the kitchen telephone, the ragged, torn scrap of my guts still hanging out the leg of my yellow-striped swim trunks.

What even the French won't talk about.

That big brother in the Navy, he taught us one other good phrase. A Russian phrase. The way we say: "I need that like I need a hole in my head…" Russian people say: "I need that like I need teeth in my asshole…"

Mne eto nado kak zuby v zadnitse

Those stories about how animals caught in a trap will chew off their leg, well, any coyote would tell you a couple bites beats the hell out of being dead.

Hell… even if you're Russian, some day you just might want those teeth.

Otherwise, what you have to do is -- you have to twist around. You hook one elbow behind your knee and pull that leg up into your face. You bite and snap at your own ass. You run out of air, and you will chew through anything to get that next breath.

It's not something you want to tell a girl on the first date. Not if you expect a kiss good night.

If I told you how it tasted, you would never, ever again eat calamari.

It's hard to say what my parents were more disgusted by: how I'd got in trouble or how I'd saved myself. After the hospital, my Mom said, "You didn't know what you were doing, honey. You were in shock." And she learned how to cook poached eggs.

All those people grossed out or feeling sorry for me…

I need that like I need teeth in my asshole.

Nowadays, people always tell me I look too skinny. People at dinner parties get all quiet and pissed off when I don't eat the pot roast they cooked. Pot roast kills me. Baked ham. Anything that hangs around inside my guts for longer than a couple hours, it comes out still food. Home-cooked lima beans or chunk light tuna fish, I'll stand up and find it still sitting there in the toilet.

After you have a radical bowel resectioning, you don't digest meat so great. Most people, you have five feet of large intestine. I'm lucky to have my six inches. So I never got a football scholarship. Never got an MBA. Both my friends, the wax kid and the carrot kid, they grew up, got big, but I've never weighed a pound more than I did that day when I was thirteen.

Another big problem was my folks paid a lot of good money for that swimming pool. In the end my Dad just told the pool guy it was a dog. The family dog fell in and drowned. The dead body got pulled into the pump. Even when the pool guy cracked open the filter casing and fished out a rubbery tube, a watery hank of intestine with a big orange vitamin pill still inside, even then, my Dad just said, "That dog was fucking nuts."

Even from my upstairs bedroom window, you could hear my Dad say, "We couldn't trust that dog alone for a second…"

Then my sister missed her period.

Even after they changed the pool water, after they sold the house and we moved to another state, after my sister's abortion, even then my folks never mentioned it again.

Ever.

That is our invisible carrot.

You. Now you can take a good, deep breath.

I still have not.

End

New John Legend

2008-10-21T11:25:00.004-05:00

Started listening to this today....finally bootlegged it last night (yes I'm buying the album when it comes out)

So far...so good. It's a bit different from his previous 2 albums. It's definitely got Kanye's fingerprints on it. Pretty radio friendly, so expect to hear more songs on the radio from this album. Greenlight was good, but I think there are definitely more singles they could pull off this.

Great Mark Wahlberg Impression

2008-10-13T17:01:00.001-05:00

...no it's not really that random, as it was posted on WWTDD today.

Andy Samberg does a pretty damn awesome Mark Wahlberg impression.

It's dead on.

The Jordan Rules - First Impressions

2008-10-06T16:04:00.002-05:00

Jordan was a bit of an asshole. By "bit", I mean he was a huge ego driven asshole. Almost like a bully. Funny to hear what he really thinks about his teammates, coaches (he really never liked anybody but his first coach). He didn't think anybody could actually play.

Finished

2008-09-29T11:29:00.004-05:00

Took me about a week, but it's done. Finished late last night...er...early this morning. I forget what the time was.

It's a great book and a hilarious read. The antics are ridiculous.

Some impressions:

I now know where the "Troy Aikman is Gay" rumors started.

I didn't realize that Jimmy really didn't want Emmit, wasn't sold on Troy and was close to cutting Irvin.

They actually give the address of the infamous "White House".

Definitely recommended read.

Wildcard Bitches!

2008-09-22T05:14:00.004-05:00

Always Sunny started Season 4 on Thursday with 2 great episodes. Here's a clip from the 2nd episode, "The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis" which had me rolling, especially this clip.

You should definitely check it out. Highly, highly, highly recommended.

Found it.

2008-09-19T10:45:00.002-05:00

The next book I've got to buy.

Some highlights:

1. Irvin was THE hardest working member and soul of the 90s Cowboys. He also was an alduterer, drug abuser, etc. But no matter what, he showed up early for practice and always delivered during games. His sexploitations are legendary.

2. Jones and Johnson were never really that close. This surprised me somewhat.

3. Charles Haley is/was psychotic.

4. Kenny Gant would be a cool person to hang out with.

5. Kevin Smith was a trash-talker, and should actually be given credit for "The Shark" dance.

6. Emmitt was more of a D-bag than most people realize.

7. Charles Haley is PSYCHOTIC.

Read this for some more exerts and snippets.

Hurricane Ike - Bear Visits Galveston

2008-09-19T09:52:00.001-05:00

I love the fact that the camera man just stayed on the bear.

Jack Bauer Takes on Africa

2008-09-15T03:34:00.001-05:00

Hopefully, this will wash away the nasty taste of Season 6 (although the year off really helped) and get me excited again for 24 and Season 7 in January (it has)!

Quantum of Solace Trailer # 2

2008-09-10T05:40:00.003-05:00

This is shaping up to be just as bad ass as Casino Royale.

November can't get here soon enough.

Still think the name's kinda dumb though, although it is growing on me.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008) - Red Band Trailer [HD QUALITY] Seth Rogen

2008-09-04T06:26:00.001-05:00

This looks hilarious.

It's the redband trailer, so NSFW.

Awesome

2008-08-27T11:10:00.002-05:00

That will probably do it for today. I'm thinking Railhead for lunch. Or Dutch's.

Something to Tide You Over With

2008-08-27T06:02:00.002-05:00

(There's a pun in my post title....I'll let you find it)

Saw this on my daily message board readings, figured it was good enough to post on here (Shut the fuck up. Yes, I have standards) and share with the 3 people who read this.

Gump 4 Heisman

The post from 8-22 is particularly funny, and ALL of the reasons are spot on from 10 to 1.

Things To Look Forward To This College Football Season

I've also made me realise that next to Hef, Herbie may be the luckiest man on the face of the planet.

Discovered a New Site

2008-08-26T04:57:00.002-05:00

...for you to waste your time on it. It involves reading though (I know that excludes like 3/4 of you who are just here for the pictures.

The Foggy Monocle seems to be a site where people post their instant messanger conversations. Found the site thanks to Film Drunk. Anyways, here's the conversation.

B

atGirl: OMG OMG OMG, i’m so glad you’re back in town
CatWoman: me too! what have you been doing without me?
BatGirl: oh wow. what a loaded question.
BatGirl: so, that guy
BatGirl: the friend of the friend, with the creepy moustache?
CatWoman: yeah? the one you met at Anton’s* place?
BatGirl: hahahahaha. yes. vladimer*.
BatGirl: so, he finally got the balls to ask me out on a proper date
CatWoman: way to finally man up..
BatGirl: and, seeing as my love life has been lackluster of late, to say the least
BatGirl: i agreed.
CatWoman: what did he plan for you kids?
BatGirl: we went to see the dark knight.
CatWoman: typical… blahhhhh
BatGirl: christian bale….heath ledger…i could think of worst things
BatGirl: followed by drinks and lively conversation
BatGirl: and more drinks
BatGirl: i believe irish car bombs were involved. which never lead to good decisions.
CatWoman: they call it a bomb for a reason
BatGirl: oh god yeah they do
BatGirl: so, a few dozen drinks later
BatGirl: and going back to vladimer’s place doesn’t seem like a bad idea
BatGirl: creepy moustache and all
CatWoman: did it tickle?
BatGirl: yes.

BatGirl: now, i should preempt the following segment of the story by saying that he really loved the dark knight.
BatGirl: like, REALLY loved the dark knight.
CatWoman: yeah, most people do
BatGirl: i thought nothing of it, i enjoy a good comic book movie like the next gal
CatWoman: word
BatGirl: but, his apartment may or may not have been a shrine to Marvel
BatGirl: which i only vaguely remember due to aforementioned bombs.
CatWoman: oh dear…
BatGirl: so, things get going. you know i’m not shy in these matters
BatGirl: at some point, i JOKINGLY reference batman, or something of that nature
BatGirl: which really got him going. this should have been a warning signal.
BatGirl: at this point, things took a terrible turn….let’s just say a mask was involved (which I wore), and a cape (which he wore)
CatWoman: holy car bombs, batman!
BatGirl: hahahahaha
CatWoman: wait, was there spandex involved in this “game”?
BatGirl: oh god. i don’t even know if i want to keep talking about it.
CatWoman: what’s the scenario here?
BatGirl: now you’re just being crass.
CatWoman: i HAVE to know now…
BatGirl: a batlady doesn’t tell
BatGirl: hold on, gotta open the door downstairs for someone.
CatWoman: noooooooooooooooo…
CatWoman: you can’t keep me in suspense like this
BatGirl: hahahahaha, that’s appropriate given the situation
BatGirl: so, it was basically comic-con 08
BatGirl: comic-cum 08, maybe.
BatGirl: jesus, did i just say that?
BatGirl: i’m so ashamed.
CatWoman: Dayam!
CatWoman: so does that mean there’s going to be date numero dos in the future?
BatGirl: yeah, when gotham city freezes over
CatWoman: Oh

Which, after reading this, makes me ponder the idea of growing a mustache. Not a weak as 'stache like Pedro from Napolean, but like a full blown porn 'stache like Mark Spitz or something. (Weird reference I know, but I'm on Olympics withdrawl)

Enjoy the site.

Scouraging the internets....so you don't have to.

Tiger Woods is...Jesus?

2008-08-20T11:45:00.002-05:00

Betcha Jesus can win his Grand Slam all in the same year.

Joke shamelessly stolen from With Leather

You People....Need to Stop It

2008-08-20T10:19:00.002-05:00

People....it's pronounced TARGET. TAR-GET! Not "Tar-jay"

It's not high class. It's barely a step up from Wal*Mart. Cut that shit out.

That was cute maybe 5 years ago. I'll admit taht it was kinda funny. I laughed. Now it's old. Cut it the fuck out.

People who pronounce it TARJAY, need to be punched in the puss. Seriously. I'm willing to do my part.

Tropic Thunder

2008-08-19T10:23:00.002-05:00

Above is the fake commercial before the fake movie trailers that are apart of the real movie. I lost it when this came on. Totally set the tone for a very funny movie. Definetly recommended. Robert Downey Jr is hilarious and steals the show as a black man. I really need to watch it again with some close captioning on so I can catch everything he says.

I Miss These Commercials

2008-08-13T04:55:00.002-05:00

Damn white people are funny, although the Indian (slurpee) really clinches it for me.

Is it racist to say that, cause I said he's the funniest.

Hope Starting to Fade

2008-08-12T11:13:00.003-05:00

I was pretty excited to see this movie, and I probably still will, but thanks to Film Drunk and Valley Wag I've read AICN's (gawd I hate that site) a.k.a Harry Knowle's review of the new Star Wars The Clone Wars Movie. Usually I don't put much stock into this site and it's opinions, but this guy is a die hard SW lover, so if even he hates it, I'm starting to think twice about it. Lucasfilm made them take the negative review down.

Here it is. Careful, I'm not sure all of it is English.

Hi, Guys…
by TheRealMoriarty Aug 11th, 2008
04:25:38 AM
… to those asking, I’ll try a new tact in this thread. Harry took his CLONE WARS review down at the request of Lucasfilm, who have chosen to enforce an embargo on reviews on our site. There may, in fact, be other outlets who have reviews up currently. That is not something we can control. Harry will repost his same review when he is able to. I hope that explains it, but if you have further questions, I’ll try answer them. I’d really rather this talkback were about the great Bernie Brillstein, though.”

Here’s the original review:

“Harry hated THE CLONE WARS!

I’ve never hated a STAR WARS film before. I have weathered Jar Jar and any number of Ewoks. I survived Hayden and a wooden Portman. I even accepted Jake Lloyd. I handled all that because it felt like STAR WARS.

I can accept all of Lucas’ flaws, so long as at its heart it felt like Star Wars. I can deal with politics in Star Wars. I can deal with trade skirmishes in Star Wars. I can deal with musical numbers, breathing in the vacuum of space. Basically – so long as it feels like STAR WARS – I can watch any of it.

Was I looking forward to STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS (2008)?

******** A!

I was dying. After Genndy’s CLONE WARS – I felt that perhaps Lucas “got it” – and that this new animated series was taking a lead from Tartakovsky’s brilliant assembly of pieces. Genndy’s CLONE WARS got STAR WARS better than anyone has got it since Lawrence Kasdan and Irvin Kershner. Genndy took designs and characters that folks were dissatisfied with and made them cool. He did this by using and adapting the themes created by John Williams, the wholly perfect entity involved with Star Wars along with… the sound effects of Ben Burtt. He understood speed and motion – not just with action, but in editing. He understood classic film composition and iconography. And he knows what BADASS is.

The folks behind this STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS movie… you could tell, they looked at what Genndy did – but they didn’t understand any of it. There’s a ****load of battles and ***** going boom. There’s noise everywhere – fury everywhere… but none of it is directed. The music by Kevin Kiner is criminally bad. Why they didn’t employ Paul Dinletir and James Venable is beyond me. No, no – let’s hire the composer of WALKER, TEXAS RANGER. Ahem.

Now – I made excuses for this film as I was watching it. I don’t think you understand how much I love STAR WARS. Maybe you do, maybe you do too.

Before the movie started I was firing myself up to go out after the film and buy that new $200 Hasbro Millenium Falcon. I really wanted to go buy it, and I wanted this movie to empower my brain to go through with that. Instead, I found myself at home – putting on Genndy’s THE CLONE WARS – to try and rebuild my passion – so I can go get that new Falcon.

Instead – I’m thinking I’ll just be here at home enjoying this and that’ll be all I need.

Anyway – as I was watching the film, I was excusing the sloppy shots, the sloppy use of the Clone Troopers and Droids – undoing all the awesome work that Genndy had done – and the droids are silly again. The Clone Troopers are limp. And the Jedi – they’re at 25% power from the mind of Genndy. But I was accepting that. I figured that was Lucas dialing back so that the animated series wouldn’t overpower his features.

Then they introduced Baby Jabba aka Rotta the Huttlet aka Stinky. At the point of this character’s introduction – it officially became, the worst character in the history of STAR WARS. If you hate George Lucas cutsiepoo bull**** – oooooooh boy. You’re gonna have a field day of venting and hatred directed at this unbelievably ****ing awful little ****.

Oh – but wait… Little Stinky the Hutt isn’t the worst character in the history of STAR WARS… because Stinky got introduced earlier in the film. As much as I hated lil Stinky… I was weathering Stinky. I seriously was. But later there was a character of such immense **** – offensively bad. The character was so bad, so incredibly awful – that it was a slap to the face. It woke me out of my ****-accepting stupor and made me angry. SUDDENLY my “inner fanboy rage” was awoken.

As I watched this terrifyingly awful character named Ziro the Hutt. A seemingly female Hutt – with tattoos and make-up that sounds like a racist take on a Black New Orleans Crack-Dealing Whore. Because this Hutt speaks ENGLISH – and it is many times worse than I’m actually describing. This character was actually too much for me. So bad that every flaw I was looking past, was now a road sign to inadequacy and mediocrity. All of a sudden my brain realized that Asajj Ventress’ voice no longer was acceptable – and sure enough – the amazing Grey DeLisle, who originally voiced the character back in 2003 – had been replaced by a Nika Futterman – and that voice was missed. The character didn’t have that snarling menace anymore.

I realized that nothing in this animated film felt right. I felt time expanding. It seemed that the film was dragging – nevermind that lots of **** was firing all over the place – and stuff was going boom and things were being revealed. I just didn’t care because this wasn’t what I wanted.

I hated the score, the animation, the shots, the characters and most of all the retarded ******** idiot story.

I hated the film. HATED IT. REALLY HATED IT.

Does this mean the whole Star Wars Animated Series is doomed? No – but it isn’t a good sign. So much of this is awful because of the Hutt plotlines and character. I also feel that Dave Filoni must be a hack. His work here is sloppy – and depending on writers and directing talent – individual episodes may be better. This film was several episodes all strung together – my prayer is that the individual episodes will be both great and awful – and we’ll discover which talents are responsible for each.

That said – the audience did have light applause. My father liked it. My sister felt too much was going on. Me nephew really liked it. That said – Yoko was complaining right along with me. She thought it was **** too. I know Moriarty liked it. Wonder what Quint and Massawyrm thought.

****. I hated a STAR WARS. That ****ing sucks.”

Good Eats around TCU

2008-08-12T04:20:00.003-05:00

Dutch's Hamburgers has a great burger and fries. I had the Blue Cheese burger, which can only be recommended if you really really really love Blue Cheese. I just really really like it, so it was too much for me. I hear the avocado burger is good, so that may be next on my plate.

On Monday, I had Fuzzy's Taco Shop, and they had some kick ass hot sauce that makes me want to go back today. Great tacos there. I think 3 are not enough though.

Buffalo Bros is also near Dutch's and I hear good things. That may be on tap for later this week.

Cheerleaders + Soccer = Win

2008-08-12T04:19:00.001-05:00

Shamelessly stolen from With Leather

Slow Day at Work

2008-08-11T11:44:00.001-05:00

Slow enough that I may update a bunch (and I do mean a lot) of these posts that I never finished.

For those that complain that I post to much....eat a phat one.

Swimming just got alot more exciting!

2008-08-11T11:03:00.007-05:00

and there was no shark in the water.

and there was no shark in the water.

The French said they would smash the Americans in the race. They were the favorites and they had the World Rercord Holder swimming anchor.

The French World Record Holder was caught in the last 50M.

(This is suppossed to be a gif. Sure wish blogger would allow us to post those)

Watch it at the link above. It's actually pretty intense. The announcer pretty much writes the US off. The crowd knows better.

The race was soo fast, that the top 5 teams all broke the world record.

That's what you get for talking shit Frenchies!

Suck on that!

Micheal Phelps quest for 8 Golds stays alive, and this race was probably his biggest challenge. These relays are pretty intense and should keep you interested until Track starts in the 2nd week.

I Think It's Finally Dead

2008-08-11T10:43:00.003-05:00

Well, I think it finally bit the dust. Coming back from Dutch's Hamburgers (over by TCU...really good burger and great fries! I should probably make a post). I was listening to it while I was eating. I get into the car, and try to change it to a podcast, when it freezes on me. Next thing I know, it's the iPod sad face.

FFFFFFFF

I haven't taken it to the Apple Store yet, but based on my last visit, it probably won't go very well.

I've started pricing iPod Classics. I'd ask for one for Christmas, but that's just an exercise in futility and I would just end up disappointed. I never get shit I really want for Christmas. Found some refurbs on the Apple Store. Might have to go that route, unless they can revive mine.

Or, I might try this first.

Anybody ever do this before? Looks like some fun.

Pineapple Express

2008-08-08T10:22:00.005-05:00

Pineapple Express - Red Band Trailerfunny videosFunnyOrDie.com

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Above is the redband trailer.

Saw it yesterday. It's basically a stoner action (action? really? Yes really.) movie.

It ended up being a pretty funny movie. I think it would of been better stoned, but maybe that's for another viewing... or for somebody who actually smokes. Yea, that's it. :)

Actually, after seeing the movie, then seeing the ads for it on tv this weekend, I think this is the type of movie that will get better the more you see it. I was rolling at some, squash that, ALL of the ads on tv that I saw. Some really funny stuff.

I don't know where I would rank it in the list of Apatow movies. I've got to watch it again to get a better idea.

Stayin' Alive...

2008-07-30T22:32:00.004-05:00

Died earlier today....comes back alive later that day. I should name it Timex...if I was lame, which I'm not, so I won't. No thanks to the assclowns at the Apple store.

I had made an appointment for later in the day (actually, it turns out I made if for tomorrow. Don't laugh, these hours I'm working have me all fucked up. Half the time I don't know what day it is. Seriously, I lose track. Anyways, I didn't find this out untill after I was there and he (the apple guy looks up my appointment) Anyways, I leave early to try and make the appointment (it was for 5:50...yea rush hour...but I had no choice as I'm leaving for PR tomorrow morning. Of course there's an f'in wreck, (firetrucks and all) on the exit from 360 to 114 (fuck if I can remember what that exit is right now). I go past it then try turning around...not sure if it saved some time, but I was in a hurry. As I'm driving, my friend is texting me about Steak & Ale closing shop (texting on an iphone is kinda hard...just thought I would throw that out there).

Get to the apple store and it's empty except for the employees (fucking oddest thing I've seen in a while, especially when you contrast that to the scene there a few weeks ago after the 3G Iphone came out. The place was packed. Anyway, go up to the Ipod Counter and start talking to the guy. After figuring out my apointment was for tomorrow it turns out he can help today (if you were paying attention, you'd remember that there was nobody else in the store) The thing is, he was fuck all helpfull. Didn't even try plugging it in to his computer or anything. There was some older chick/mom type at the ipod counter there "helping" him and all she could do is make some smart ass comments. No bitch, I didn't dance with my iPod like in the commercials. If you're not helping, then shut the fuck up!

The Apple Store at Willow Bend Mall was way better than these clowns. I think many of them were recently hired on to help with the iPhone rush. It just seemed like he didn't want any part of helping me and was only interested in selling me another one, trying to plug the Touch. I leave pissed.

Get home, plug it into the USB connection (usually I use the fire wire connection) and boom, it goes from iPod frown face to working, just like that. Fucking Awesome as it turns out.

I need to start saving for a new Classic. I can't keep wearing out the battery of my iPhone. I may actually need to make a call or something.

The Dark Knight on Imax

2008-07-29T10:47:00.002-05:00

(Yes it's framed properly in the theater so you don't see all that goofy shit at the top and bottom)

It's a must see on Imax yesterday. Seriously, it was amazing. The bank heist, the 18 Wheeler chase, the Hong Kong scene, each establishing city shot. All look incredible. It's a little noticeable when it goes from Imax frame to regular framed movie, but nothing too jaring. If you're not looking for it, I think you'll be ok.

Oh and yes, the movie holds up the 2nd time you see it. It really is brilliant. Hell, I was actually able to get a better sense of what was going on. It doesn't seem as long as the first time I saw it (no, that's not what she said).

Watching Dexter - Random Thought

2008-07-23T10:06:00.005-05:00

While watching episode 6 of season 1, I had to laugh at myself. I was rooting for the main character (and this isn't much of a spoiler) who is a serial killer to not get caught.

But it's a serial killer with a code. Which brings up some interesting moral questions.

As a quick aside...it turns out some of my favorite movies are movies where the director can get me rooting for the character where if you apply real world morals to him, he's considered the bad guy. Hello Godfather.

Anyways, I'm going through these pretty fast (2 seasons, 12 eps each). Great show. Michael C. Hall is great, but I knew that from 6 Feet Under. Great characters. I'm not sure how CBS is treating the show since they started airing it, but I would definetly recommend the Showtime version. Probably not as toned down in the nudity (yes there are tiddays...love spelling it that way) and blood/gore.

Anxiously awaiting Season 3. Jimmy Smits is joining the show. He's pretty solid.

Definetly recommend the show if you're looking for something to watch.

Wall*E

2008-07-23T10:02:00.003-05:00

Finally got to watching Wall-E (which spelling do you like better: all together, space, hyphen or a asterisk?).

I really liked the movie. Thought it was cute as hell, and you could really feel the emotions of Wall E. Seems Pixar has hit another homerun, story is great. Animation is amazing. I'm sure it will make a ton of money at the box office, and even more with dvd/blu sales, but I don't think this one will be the megablockbuster (hello hyphen?), Best Pixar Evar! (hello hyperbole...and yes spelling is correct) many were predicting it to be. By "many" I mean the interweb nerds (yours truly not included) that like to do shit like that.

Cool video of a real life Wall-E (aka a robot version....settle down Joey).

Smallvile Done

2008-07-20T18:02:00.002-05:00

Caught up with Season 7 this afternoon after a marathon session. Not sure why after I had quit it after season 4, but I was curious to see where the Lex storyline was going. Season 5 and 6 really turned the series around (not as many freak of the weeks, not soo much Lana pining). I really gotta say S7 was pretty entertaining. Clarks cousin, (Supergirl?) was a nice addition. Just so we're clear, by nice I mean hot. Lex's journey is pretty much complete. He's E-vil. Lana's role is kept to a bare minimum, and when she does show up, it's not as annoying. Chloe is as cute as ever, but in order to meet up with the Superman stories we know, she has to die right? Sadly, Lois is barely around and when she is, she doesn't show off her body. Bummer.

The whole Justice League characters are mentioned and refered to, but they don't get much screen time either, which is a bit of a shame. After seeing the great episode in Season 6 where they take down one of Lex's facilities, I had high hopes for this season.

After some debate, I'm starting Season 1 of Dexter.

The Dark Knight

2008-07-18T18:00:00.002-05:00

Warning. Post may (WILL) have spoilers. Normally I wouldn't mind spoiling a movie for you, but this one rocks way too much to do that.

Go See it cause it's fucking awesome. Easily in contention for the best movie I'm going to see this year (I'm holding out hope for Quantum of Solace). Completely lives up to the hype that was built of the amazing Batman Begins. Delivers on every aspect. The action is awesome. Dialogue is witty. The story rocks. You know it's good when the movie is not over and your friend says "this may be the best movie I've ever seen". I'm not sure exactly where it would land on the list, but damn if it doesn't automatically make the 10 easily.

It's hard to decide what my favorite part was. Ledger is amazing. You can't even tell it's him under the makeup. He completely reinvents the Joker character and out does Jack Nicholson. Soo many great scenes with him in it. The pencil trick is fucking genius and is probably my favorite. The scene leaving the hospital (you'll know what I'm talking about) is very funny.

Bale is rock solid and is quickly becoming one of my favorite actors. He's great in everything he does. Looking forward to seeing him as John Connor. Michael Cain and Morgan Freeman are solid as expected. Gary Oldman is fantastic and Gordon...wish he would of had more screen time.

Aaron Eckhart will probably be overshadowed by Ledger and all the hype because of his death, but I think he really knocked it out of the park. I hope 2 Face isn't dead (I think they left an out at the end) but I think he will be. He's served his purpose in the movie.

I know Nolan isn't signed on for another movie, but I've read that he'll more than likely be back (with a bit of a pay raise I would think). I'm extremely anxious to see where they go with the 3rd one.

M. Night Shama.....'s The Happening

2008-07-14T11:19:00.004-05:00

"I see dead people"

I won't spoil it for you (although I should), but the only reason you need to see this is if you like to see gruesome deaths (yea, like the lawnmower scene in the trailer), love Zoey D (damn she's got some great eyes)....or have a Marky Mark infatuation.

Even then, see the matinee. Don't pay full price for it.

I'm finally on board with the "M. Night has lost it" crowd.

P.S. I was giving him a chance even though I never saw Lady in the Water (it's on the DVR...just haven't been in the mood (no...that's not what she said)) He's lost his "goodwill" where you'd go see his movie based on his name/rep alone. In the past, he could get me interested in his movies based on name alone. 6th Sense was awesome, Unbreakable is pretty underrated. Signs is pretty good, but not as great as everyone makes it out to be. After that, the decent into mediocrity picks up, although I don't think that The Village wasn't as bad as everyone made it out to be.

Random Thought for the Day

2008-07-14T11:05:00.004-05:00

Can I pull of a driving cap?

I'm watching Leatherheads this morning since all we have is the Roofers doing their thing and I see a scene (actually alot of the scenes) have George Clooney wearing one and I think to myself..."that's a cool hat". Could I pull it off?

What say you?

By the way, the movie's ok, nothing special. Some funny moments. It trys... (yes that's the end of that sentence) Renee Zellweger (by the way, I typed her name into google to try and get the correct spelling, and bam! Got it right the 1st time. Another reason I'm better than you.) is not aging well. Her squinchy face is not attractive at all and she has her makeup gun set to "whore". It's rediculous. Can I say she peaked (in looks) in Jerry Maguirre?

Small Blog Update

2008-07-14T11:00:00.003-05:00

I've put my Playstation Network ID on the side of the blog. Yes, I know you care. It's really kinda plain right now, but I expect Sony to add to it, (Trophies, Level, Score) to make it match up with the Xbox Gamercard.

I wish they (they being Sony/Microsoft/Nintendo) would come up with something new and exciting instead of copying features from each other.

New Toy...

2008-07-14T10:34:00.002-05:00

Booyakasha!

Goodbye Nextel. Thanks to my brothers for sticking with it. Yes sarcasm.

On Saturday,since I was well rested, I decided to get shit done. Plenty of sleep was had the night (and day) before.

Went to the dry cleaners....turns out Wed & Sat are 30% off discount days. Awesomeness.

Went to an AT&T store down the road in Arlington in the middle of the afternoon to take a chance and see if they had any iPhones left. They stopped just short of laughing at me. No biggie. Figured it would be crazy. Decided to take my chances anyway, and journey up to Southlake, cause...really, there was nothing better on TV to watch.

Get there, park and as I'm walking (note to self, there's alot of scattered ass walking around the Town Square...must return) into the store, I see a sign hanging on the easel saying they are sold out. I think to myself...oh well, at least I'll get to play with one of the display models and decide if I wanted the white or the black one. As I'm walking in, the greeter at the door asks me if I'm here for the iPhone. I say yes, but I just saw the sign by the door. He says that they just got another shipment in, so they're in stock. I'm first in line for the next batch, which fills up really freaking quickly. 30 minutes later, he's got my $324 (yes it's the 16 gb) and I've got a new phone number (fcuk!). I'm going to have to visit the AT&T store and get my number ported over, cause they couldn't do it at the apple store, and the lady on the phone at AT&T described a really lengthy process that had me contemplating just keeping the new number.

Some great applications have already been downloaded. My favorites so far...
Remote - Control your iTunes from your phone (as long as you're on a network). Works seamlessly. I'm loving it.

Shazam - amazing song recognition program ... Hold up to music get the artist and title info within 30 seconds . It's really freakin awesome. I say "Shazam!" every time it works. (obvious joke avoided on purpose)

Flickr - post your pics from your phone directly to your blog. You can browse your flickr photos as well.

Cube Runner - fun little free 3d game where you try to navigate the longest around an increasing number of blocks. Uses the motion control of the iphone.

AOL Radio - free online radio from around the country. Even has local radio station 105.3 on there. Fantastic.

Pandora - same as the website. Give it a artist you like and it plays more like it.

Lightsaber - you pick the color of your lightsaber, then as you move the phone, it makes lightsaber noises. Pretty awesome....if you're a bit nerdy.

Aurora Feint - amazing "columns" style game. Rotate the phone, the blocks rotate. It's free too. Game this good, you would expect it to cost.

Urban Spoon - a "slot machine" type program that picks where you go eat. Perfect for the people I run around with.

Now I'm looking for a good case for it. Any suggestions? ipodlounge has dick up right now. The one I bought at Best Buy doesn't fit the new 3G models. Gotta return it on Tuesday (NCAA 2009 Day!). I'm leaning towards (editor's note: and ending up buying) the Griffin hard shell leather case. Seems to work pretty well. Even has a plastic screen that covers the regular screen. You would think it wouldn't be as responsive, but it works great.

And that's another reason why I'm better than you.

P.S. I saw that they're building a 5 Guys Burgers and Fries joint up there. I hear good things about that place from some NYC people I talk to. We'll (you know who you are) have to check that place out.

P.P.S. I just learned there's one in the Galleria. F' that. Southlake is closer.

Vampire Weekend

2008-07-10T05:42:00.003-05:00

Little late to the party, but I bet I'm still ahead of half of you.

Great album that's getting worn out (as much as it can on a digital music player...but hey, you get my point.

Pretty much the entire album is good.

Here some of the videos I've found on Youtube to let you make your own decision. Probably the best songs on the album. At least they're my favorites.

A-Punk

Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa

Oxford Comma

Mansard Roof

Something's Wrong With Me

2008-07-10T05:35:00.003-05:00

(...besides the obvious you jerk)

I think I'm at the point where you've had so little sleep, that things become hilarious. Anyways, there's three things I've been laughing at all morning.

2 of them are youtube clips.

1st.

2nd.

That one's not as funny, but I still laughed my ass off....mainly because the old man just rides the escalator up.

Now this next one is not really that funny, but pretty cool. I kinda want to try it.

3rd thing here...

Actually here it its. It's a picture.

I think you may need a link to a message board to get the full extent of the funny on that one. Here you go.

Now, is it funny or is it just the lack of sleep/early hours?

Now that I think of it, I really should go back and finish updating the posts I have in "draft mode". I know...you're excited.

Quick Thoughts on a Long Weekend

2008-07-08T05:43:00.004-05:00

Flying is fun. I'm probably one of the few that enjoy it...maybe 'cause I don't do enough of it. Paying for parking sucks ass though.

Highways in New Mexico suck. 60 to 65...really? There ain't shit out there. The only people on the highways are the people passing through the state (oh snap) Why my friend drove so slow and let the entire state pass him is beyond me.

Ruidossa in the summertime is nice. Very nice. Great weather and scenery. Nice cool breeze. Loved the weather.

The house we stayed at was awesome. Brundage is loaded.

The town of Ruidossa is fucking rediculous. How can a town that lives off of tourism and out of towners-be-soo fucking rude to them. Thanks to the owner(was he the ?) of The Courtyard (was that the name of it?) for being the nicest person out there.

The links course we played, Links at Sierra Blanca, was pretty nice and we had a fun time playing the scramble, but no fucking way was it worth 120 bones. Still, I hit a clutch 20 ft birdie put, which probably was the highlight of my day. I really should get out and play more so I could justify buying some new clubs.

Girl Talk...recommend by my friend Matt on his blog Stay Classy Dallas. Pretty good stuff. It's a mashup of, well of alot of things. It's pretty fun listen. Follow the link on his blog to check it out.

Apparently I'm pretty good at hold'em. Not sure why though as I never play. Prolly was just lucky to get 3rd. The fuckers left decided to split the pot as soon as I was out.

Horse Races are pretty fun, even if you lose on all 10 races. But I did lear alot on how to read the programs and everything. I'm hoping to make it out to Lone Star Park soon and see if I can do better out here.

I may have broke even at the casino playing blackjack, but fuck if I didn't feel a loser for not walking out with 4-500 bucks like 4 other guys did. I was actually up about 200 (aside from what I bought in with) but gave it back like a litte chump. Got to learn when to walk away. Inn of the Mountain of the Gods is pretty nice now. I heard it use to be quite the shithole.

Catchphrase (it's like a handheld boardgame type thing) is pretty fun, especially when you're hammered. May have to look into that.

Taking the Monday off to recover was a pretty clutch move on my part.

Going back to vampire hours is going to suck major donkey ballas. Fuck this week may be a 4 day week for me, but it's going to feel much longer.

S. Hillman is by far my most expensive friend. Between this and his wedding, my wealth will be shorter than a midget on his knees.

Smart Ass Australians

2008-06-05T12:16:00.001-05:00

Email I got about Australian tourism, These are their answers

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machin es) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ..
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Ca n I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

______________ ____________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Wii Fit...

2008-05-29T10:53:00.001-05:00

Seriously, I'm hypnotized.

I'll buy your Wii Fit Damnit! Just don't stop the video.